


1:36AM

by flowerhyunjins



Series: (excerpts from) letters i will never send [1]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Forbidden Love, M/M, letter format !!, man idk is that too far, photographer!seungmin, starts off very abruptly, thought it was okay to post, title's the time i wrote it, was originally a block paragraphed letter, whatever right
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-28
Updated: 2019-03-28
Packaged: 2019-12-25 22:03:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 798
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18270140
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flowerhyunjins/pseuds/flowerhyunjins
Summary: bang chan loved kim seungmin with everything he had in him. their relationship was practically the precise embodiment of perfection.the only thing left standing in between them? chans dad.





	1:36AM

**Author's Note:**

> written in letter format.

so no, dad. i cant break up with him. who knows, maybe in the future i can. maybe one day i'll look at him and the sparks are gone, the willingness for commitment is gone and it's just...empty. but its the present that matters. like you said. and right now, i cant lose him. to anything, to anyone, in any way. i would give anything to save him, to see him get through another day. and every day i wish i could take his pain away, i wish at least i could do something. say something. at least...hold him when he needs it. but i'm here, and he's there, and if we cant even meet casually, how am i supposed to save him as he unknowingly saved me? i can't just accept his help without anything in return. i want to do something for him. anything. big or small. and i'm sorry but this is what i want. what i feel like i should do, and what i feel like i should be able to do. 

tonight i cant breathe, because the thought of losing him made me so anxious it deliberately cut off my breathing. the thought of him not being in this world anymore one day is beyond terrifying, because seeing him is one of the rare things that kept, and still keeps, me going. i'd be having the shittiest day in my entire life, and i'd see him with his friends in the hallways, talking, smiling, and god it gave me so much motivation and energy. you have no idea how much willpower the mere sight of him gave me because god i realized i'd do anything to see him smile like that again.

just like my happiness is yours, his is mine. and i'm sorry but this is the way i feel right now. i'm sorry for how much disappointment i've caused you, but i will never be sorry for meeting him. i will never apologize for taking the time to get to know him, befriending him, putting in all that energy and finally getting myself here. because he's helped me in so many ways i never could've possibly imagined. he's made me do things i previously found so difficult to do.

before this, i vowed to myself i'd never talk to anyone about how i felt ever again, but now? talking to him feels like the heaviest weight being lifted off my chest. it feels insanely relieving, and he is the only person to ever gain such trust from me. why? he makes our conversations feel confidential. whenever we talk, it feels...safe. like he'd have the deceny to keep what i told him to himself because he's...just that way. it is unbelievably difficult to find someone like that for me, and that's why i cant afford to lose him. this is one of the more selfish reasons, but it counts nevertheless.

and now; i've said it before but i'll say it again; i cannot break up with him, and i will not. nevermind the worrying and the panicking and the awkwardness, everything else—the good—they could easily outweigh the bad. no matter how bad it gets, i know we can get through it. we've just hit a small bump, so we'll figure out a way to work around it because we always do. with him, when all hope seems lost, suddenly we become each others hope. and to me, that's the rarest, most beautiful thing you can get out of a relationship.

so in the end, yeah dad. i love him. i really wish i didn't but i do, and i wouldn't do anything to change that. however, if i could choose to have met him or not, i would've chosen no, but god knows what i would've turned out like. it's quite terrifying to think of; what my life would've been like if i never took the time and patience to simply just notice him; the quiet photographer who shuffled from place to place, taking pictures and expecting nothing in return, because photography was something he absolutely adored, with all his heart. he wanted to capture emotions and moments in a single frame, and i've never admired anyone more than i do now.

so, kim seungmin. thank you for bringing light into my world. thank you for everything you've done, and probably will do, for me. thank you for every second we spent with each other, sometimes in silence, sometimes in rambling, sometimes even in classified quizzes that wont be mentioned right now. thank you for giving me the world, and i hope i can do the same for you. if not now, maybe one day. one day. that's a promise.

 

_with love and respect, bang chan_

**Author's Note:**

> originally written as a letter to my dad, about someone i feel strongly about. i thought it was worthy enough of being shared.


End file.
